Thursday, June 2, 2011

I'm sorry, you humans, but ...

I am well aware that humans like my Cat have short attention spans. I can easily stare at the same spot on the wall for an hour; Cat begins to bug me after two minutes, insistent on knowing what I'm staring at.
No offense, people, but just watching you wears me out. Life is meant to be enjoyed, you know. And in the interest of helping you make the most of yours, I'm willing to offer tips for a happy one:
There's nothing wrong with a nap, or six. 
To nap properly, you must find the right location. Warm is essential; soft is optional. My favorite places are the top of the thing that shoots paper through it and the sunny spot by the back door. Remember to stretch every hour or two; otherwise parts of you become numb. There's nothing more annoying than a numb paw when the floor is a three-foot jump away.
Refuse to eat anything that displeases you.
Cat, unfortunately, needs retraining. Last week she bought generic dry cat food and poured it into my dish. I took one sniff and trust me, that was enough to convince me not to eat that stuff. Yes, I did get a mite peckish over the next two days, but the result of my hunger strike was a big bag of the good stuff.
Let the people think they're winning.
For some reason, Cat insists that I must stay in the house while every other feline in the neighborhood gets to run free. Quite honestly, I'm very content roaming from room to room, but no way can I let her think she can tell what to do. So I "escape" every few days and take my time coming back in. The best part of all is the way she scolds Big Stupid for letting me get out. I almost feel sorry for the dumb canine -- almost.
Refuse to concede.
At a sleek seven pounds, I lack the mass to muscle anybody out of my way. I do, however, have sharp claws and a healthy hiss when I choose to use it.  Together, they keep me from having to give up my seat and send small children running in fear.
Use affection to get out of trouble.
I am not one of those disgusting cats that curl up on people's laps and purr. I mean, seriously; every heard of dignity. However, when something has happened for which I may be responsible (think overturned vase or shredded couch leg) rubbing up against Cat's leg and offering a friendly meow can do wonders.
I'd be more than happy to give you more advice, but I feel the need for a nap. If you'd like to be as happy, healthy and stress-free as me, I'd suggest you do the same.
After, of course, you've ordered Cat's newest book from Turquoise Morning Press -- yes, that one. Not only is it highly entertaining, but its cover is the perfect consistency to sink your claws into.

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