Friday, January 3, 2014

I'm finally back...

Did you miss me?
Let me tell you, 2012 was quite a year. I spent nearly all of it in a monastery in Tibet attempting to reconcile my dreams with my life.
Why, you ask?
Because not only do I now have Big Stupid, the oversized Sheltie in my life, but two more cats. And one more dog I call Big Goofus.
First, the cats. One, Bitsy, is ours. Cat decided I needed a playmate and brought her in. Personally, I like the life of a loner but whatever. It took a little time for me to convince Bitsy who the boss was, but once that was settled life was fine.
And then The Girl moved in. Cat's granddaughter, I believe. She's okay. But The Girl decided we needed another kitten. And, in one of those stupid human tricks, the black girl cat was named Batman.
The good thing is that she and Bitsy bonded like sisters which meant I didn't have to fake a lovey-dovey relationship with either of them. The bad news is that The Girl decided she wanted a dog instead.
And that's where Big Goofus comes in. Cat says she's a yellow lab which I think is code for "dumbest dog known to mankind." Big Goofus was twice the size of big old Batman when she moved in at the age of eight weeks and eats like there's no tomorrow. Heaven knows, I've tried to convince her to eat more delicately but you know how dogs are.
I've attempted to be polite around Big Goofus even as she chases me, barks when I relax on top of the television and tears up everything she can get her paws on. But enough is enough.
The cold weather means Big Goofus is in the house all day every day. As in ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! She thinks I like her since I have slowed down in my hissing and slashing toward her.
I'm comfortable in keeping her thinking that way. She is, after all, only a dog.
And I don't think she realizes that I'm not scratching on the basement step out of boredom or to show the younger cats how it's done. No, I've spent weeks now sharpening my claws. And the next time Big Goofus makes a move on me or my food dish, she's going to find out what happens when my claws and her nose connect.
Trust me, I won't be the one running to Cat for a big bandaid.

P.S. Cat has a new book out! It's called Academy for Losers and, yes, once again there's a dog in it but no cats. What is that woman thinking? is where you can learn all about it.

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